Tiekkö

You know. Someone I know is getting married today. I was photographing their wedding portraits and in a buss, on the way home it hit me. That feeling. That it may never be me.
I haven´t even dated anyone seriously. Ever. No one has loved me more than anyone else, and I haven´t loved anyone more than anyone else. I´ve been alone so long. So long that, I just realized, I have now gotten to a point where it´s actually really hard to even imagine anything else. I mean, I do daydream, sure, but it´s not same. I daydream, but I´m not really expecting anything to happen. You know. It´s hard to imagine that someone would love me more than anything, someone wanting to be with me like, FOREVER. Forever´s a long time baby. I do not know how it feels like, to love someone. I mean, I love my parents and my other relatives and my friends, but. To really love someone. I don´t know. It must be something really great. I must be huge.

But I don´t think anyone´s looking for me. I´ts like there´s this invisible wall between me and the rest of the world, the other people. You know. Like I can touch and feel and talk to people but I´m not really involved. I´m not really IN. Like I´m watching them from a distance. You know. Watching them fell in love and get married and having kids, but sort of like knowing at the same time I can never do the same. It FEELS like it, you know.
I think everyone else is seeing that wall too. Sensing it being there, at least. I mean, I have always felt like an outsider, since I was little. I´ve always been kind of...in the background. Even in the situations that you should feel yourself being a part of some group, like in a class when everyone is laughing at the same thing, you feel confortable and you look at someone in the eye and get this feeling of a sudden closeness. Even then, in the back of my head, I always feel like I somehow...wouldn´t supposed to be there. You know.

So, when I´m thinking my future, I can´t really see me with somebody. Somebody who would love me for ever.
You know?

Syvissä vesissä vaihteeksi

Kuva: PostSecret